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Aftermath

Summary : Roger Horn's thoughts post-pilot episode.
Rating : G
Characters : Roger Horn
Disclaimer : None of the characters are mine. If they were, they'd be naked more often.

Authors Note : From the first time I watched this episode, I wondered how Horn would have changed after he'd killed someone. This is how I think it went....

Roger Horn sat on his bunk, harmonica in his hands, but unable to play it. How could he play music when he had just killed a man? All his determination, his resolve, had flown out of the window. He remembered telling his Mom that he wouldn't ever fight. He would never kill another human being. His mom had just looked at him, knowing. Had she seen it in his eyes? Was he born to be a killer?

He could still see the other man's blood under his fingernails. He knew that no matter how hard he scrubbed, he would never be clean. He had another person's blood on his hands and another person's death on his concience.

Sgt. Anderson had taken him aside when they got back to base. He'd apologised for being so abrupt when they were out, and assured him that he'd done the right thing; he'd saved his teammates lives, done his duty, protected his own life. But somehow, none of it meant a damn thing to him. Every time he closed his eyes, he could see the face of the man he killed. The eyes, staring back at him as he pushed the knife deeper. The sound of a man dying by his hand.

He'd spent almost an hour standing under a cold shower, trying to scrub the blood from his body. Punishing himself for the ultimate crime. And he'd cried. Not for the murdered man, but for himself. For the loss he felt.

And then he'd sat. One by one the other guys came in to try and talk to him. One by one, he'd ignored them. Eventually, Lt. Goldman came in.

Roger could feel a connection between them from the start. He believed that Goldman hated the killing and the death as much as he did, and he knew that if anyone would understand, it would be his Lieutenant.

As Goldman reassured him that there would be no court-martial, Roger felt himself relax, just by the sound of his voice. By the time Goldman left, Roger knew that things had changed. He had changed, and he realised sadly that next time he went out on a mission, he would carry his weapon. And he would kill if necessary.

He also understood that no-one liked what they did. But they did it. For each other and themselves. As would he.