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Blood On My Hands

Summary : Sam tries to deal with the aftermath of Martouf's death.
Rating : PG
Pairing : Sam Carter / Martouf, Sam Carter / Jack O'Neill (implied)
Disclaimer : None of the characters are mine. If they were, they'd be naked a lot more often.

The “Regrets” series was supposed to be based around the theme of loss. Each of the members of SG1 has experienced some kind of deep loss, and I feel that this subject has not been covered in the episodes. However, this is the only one that has been written!

"I don't know what to say...." Daniel left the sentence hanging in the air. The silence was uncomfortable, but so were the words.

Sam was sitting in front of some alien technology she'd been studying, but her eyes were not looking there. She was staring at her hands, now clear of the blood, but possibly never clean in her mind.

"Sam?" Daniel approached her. They had been friends for a long time now, and had been through a lot together. But never anything like this. As he reached her, she turned to look at him, her blue eyes saddened and filled with tears.

"What am I supposed to do now?" she asked him, gently shaking her head.

Daniel, unsure what to say, crouched down next to Sam's chair and wrapped his arms around her. For a long time they stayed like that, Daniel whispering into her hair that it was all okay, it was over now, and Sam silently sobbing, for the friend she had lost and the love they hadn't shared.

*

Finally Sam’s tears subsided. She slowly pulled away from Daniel, reluctant to remove herself from the safety of his embrace.

Daniel looked at his friend, and wondered if he’d ever see her smile again. He knew the pain of losing someone he loved, he’d lost his parents and his wife, but at least he had never been responsible for their death. That was something that no-one else could help Sam get through. Except maybe Jack. He felt responsible for the death of Charlie, perhaps he could talk to Sam.

On the other hand, Daniel was aware that there were certain 'feelings'between Jack and Sam. He’d not been there when they had made the confessions, but Teal’c had relayed the information, believing it would be important for Daniel to know what was happening between their friends.

What a mess this whole thing was. Jack and Sam forced to confess to others the deepest secret they had, and Sam having to fire the fatal shot into the man she may one day have fallen in love with. It would be enough to have to cope with those things in a lifetime, but in the space of a couple of hours…

“I cant stop thinking that if I’d told the truth from the start, maybe Martouf could have been stopped sooner.”

“Sam,” Daniel reached for her hand, “I know you don’t believe me, but it was not your fault. No-one is to blame. Not you, not Jack…”

He stopped as Sam looked up.

“No, it’s not Jack’s fault,” she replied, almost whispering.

The expression on her face was one Daniel had seen a long time ago, but never on Sam. He recognised it from looking in the mirror after Sha’re had been taken by Apophis.

He had spent months replaying the scenario in his mind, wondering if something he should have done would have saved her. He knew that Sam was feeling the same way, but he had to help her understand that nothing could have been altered.

“Sam, please…" he pleaded. “It was not your fault, nothing you could have done would have saved him.”

The words seemed so empty.

“I don’t even remember properly what happened,” Sam confessed. “I know that I went into the Gateroom, and I saw Martouf there. He was full of bullet holes.”

She closed her eyes, as if trying to block the memory.

“I saw him on the floor, he called my name…I shot him”.

“You released him,” Daniel corrected. “He wasn’t Martouf anymore. His body was being controlled by someone else.”

“But it was still him,” Sam insisted, “He begged me not to kill him”

“No, no, no, no.” Daniel shook his head, his eyes starting to fill with tears too. ”He should never have done that to you. He wanted someone to finish it. It should have been one of us. We should never have let you do it.”

Daniel put his arms around Sam again, both of them lost in memories. For a long time they stayed like that, not talking, not allowing anything to disturb them.

Sam broke away.

“Thank you.”

“Are you okay?” Daniel asked, knowing that this was something Sam had to cope with alone for a while.

“No, not really,” she replied, shaking her head. “But I think I will be.”

Daniel stood up to leave. He turned around to look at her. Sam was sitting with a small smile on her face, thinking about Martouf, he guessed. She would be okay. She was strong.